Thursday, December 29, 2011

New Year: What the hell should I do?

A new year is fast approaching and suddenly I have realized it has been over a year since I last blogged and over a year since I last let myself write something just for fun, or write anything besides essays and papers for school for that matter.

I’ve also realized my personal self has gotten a bit lost along the way this year and as I embark on what is to be the project that is the culmination of all of my academic and life history and what it is I know about the world (aka my master thesis), I find myself asking “what the hell am I doing?” on a pretty much daily basis.

I read the blog of an old friend today and finally realized I am not alone in this horrible, angsty rollercoaster we call our 20s. For the past five years I have been having this ongoing inner battle with myself about what the heck life is and what I am supposed to do with it. I know, it’s crazy, but I actually thought I was the only one with these problems. I mean, people only put up the super cute and awesome pictures on Facebook, they don’t include their crappy jobs at the cafĂ© and Mexican restaurant they are still working at on Linkedin. I mean honestly people, can we just cut the crap and actually put the truth on the internet so we can stop stressing out and comparing ourselves with each other?! Can we all just admit that “we have no idea what the hell we are doing and are just playing each day by ear and hoping to god it will work out and that we won’t end up in our parents’ basement in the town we grew up in.”

My own personal struggle has been this never-ending journey to find my own “passion” in life. This thing that people say you need to have about work because “work will make up a good portion of your life” so now I am frantically trying to find it otherwise I will totally be doomed forever and will be 40 and freaking out and wondering “why didn’t I just move to New York when I was younger and try to make it as an actress-pop-star-singer-princes???! That is what I really wanted to do!”

I look at my career, what it is I am going to be doing the rest of my life, in the same way I look at finding true love. There has to be that one, perfect something out there that is just meant to be, and meant for me, and I have to keep looking for it until I will come to that moment where I will just know. But is that true? Is there just one true thing for everyone? Or are there so many things instead?

I thought that I had done everything right. I did well in school, went to college, graduated, even studied abroad which I thought was totally cool and unique, but I guess everyone else did that too. I learned another language (big freaking deal, apparently this is the norm outside of America), got a big-girl job in a big city office building, and then even went to work abroad and am now learning yet another language and in my last year of graduate school! I should be so grown up now and know so many things! But I still have no idea what it is I am doing!!! Or what it is I want to do. Or what I can do for that matter. And I thought being a teenager was confusing….

So, as this New Year comes, I have decided to go back to the basics and take stock of this life I have so-far created. Journaling, dreaming, writing and getting shit done is my plan, and trying not to totally lose it every time someone asks “so what is it you want to do?” I’m still figuring it out, and I’m actually kind of happy about that. I feel closer and closer to the revelation every day, and know the best is still yet to come. God I hope that’s true…