Wednesday, April 21, 2010

My child self...

I am not sure why, but for some reason I am very much connected with my childhood self. Not in the way of “letting your inner child out every once in a while,” but in a way that I never grew out of that self of mine and I am in constant contact with it in everyday life.

I always check-in with child Liana. It is her approval I seek when making life choices—anywhere from where should I live, work and what should I wear. Everything always comes down to “would my child self be proud of this? Are these the dreams I had imagined while playing dress-up and beauty parlor and dolls?”

I like sitting and brining my mind back to my younger youth. When I thought that having extra-long hair that flowed down past my bottom would be the most amazing thing (and of course having it swept to one side over the front of my face so that one eye was covered. That one-eye covered by hair was key to the “sexy” image I had at 7).

My memories are like a mixed-media photo album—some plain snap-shots, but mostly little short films, often times silent, with no sound.

They pop into my mind randomly, like a fantasy I had when I was a child—it is me spinning in a grass field in a long-white dress. And my hair is long and wavy. I think it is because of that image that I have bought a profuse amount of white dresses in my lifetime. Each Spring I purchase at least five. And then I remember that one perfect dress I had as a child—the one I always had to wear. It was white, with small pink roses on it and the straps crossed in the back. Maybe I buy so many white dresses in hopes to one day be reunited with that one perfect one of my childhood.

One day when I was about five, I could not find that dress anymore. I remember wondering what happened to it, and then never seeing it again. I must have grown out of it and my mother must have packed it away, but still, I am forever searching for it.

When I feel nostalgia from a place, it is confirmation that I have succeeded in finding something my inner self is satisfied with. I have felt that with Sweden now, especially during this time when the Winter is over and the sun is creeping out and warming up to Summer. So yes, another decision that child Liana likes. I am on the right track.


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  2. I like this post very much.

    I have a memory like yours about a navy blue dotted Swiss with white dots dress that I wore on the beach in San Diego when I was about 6 years old. I could always see the rocky landmark of "The Children's Beach" in La Jolla in my mind's eye with me in that dress. 35 or 40 years later I found myself there with my husband and a friend on a local tourism jaunt and the tumblers fell into place as I realized that I was standing in the same spot!

    I'm going to reread your post again. I hope that all is well in Sweden. I'm a Henning Mankell/Kurt Wallander fan, as well as a fan of Millennium, the film, if not the books in English translation (way too boring).


    Oh, I usually write from ...Spit and Baling Wire...